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You have to hand it to Trader Joe’s. When the worldwide mood is “cat who found himself in a dryer,” they still have cutesy funky products for us. Buttery, parsley flecked potato chips. Shrimp-filled rice rolls for DIY dim sum. Pastel mini tote bags that sell out with unjustified fervor (they’re too small! Get the insulated tote instead). So we allow ourselves to break into the bag of Confetti Almonds in the parking lot, feeding our darkest impulses in the bright light of day. But you have to go home eventually, and let the cat out of the dryer. We’ll get out of this eventually. Without delay, here are the highlights (and lowlights) of the season at Trader Joe’s.
Worth a Repeat Purchase
Garlic Butter Irish Potato Chips
You can’t tell from the surrealist stoner bag design—is that a stick of butter plowing a potato field?—but these are ridged chips. Important detail. Each chip is gently curved and miraculously intact, like the worst blowout I’ve ever received. They’re made with “authentically Irish” potatoes, butter, and garlic. Easily some of the best chips in this godforsaken land, yet only available in an unholy 5.5-oz. bag. Gotta buy two at once to feed the beast.
Honey Roasted Macadamia Nuts & Roasted & Salted Cashews
I regret to inform you that these have already disappeared from shelves and are being astonishingly upsold on Amazon. But in case they return (rooting for them!), I need to let you know how good this nut mix is. The macadamias are toasted and barely sweet with a fairy dusting of “honey powder.” The cashews are salty-buttery. A luxurious, lusty mix.
Shrimp Noodle Rolls
These cheung fun are new and limited, so snag a few bags. I love the silky shrimp rolls at New York institution Dim Sum Go Go and I’m deprived of them in my current Midwestern getup. I followed the packaging, sautéing them until brown before steaming, a process that was splattery and chaotic but worth it. Some will stick to the bottom of your pan and rip open, and that’s okay. Carry on. The rolls are crisp on one side, chewy on the other, and packed with shrimp. Buy scallions to top them with, and either TJ’s Soyaki or a homemade blend of 1:1 soy sauce and black vinegar.
Pizza Party Potato Chips
All the receptors in my brain fired off with these chips. Think pizza Goldfish, flattened. The flavor veers from saucy to cheesy to yeasty, and this uneven seasoning distribution leaves some chips the hue of sunburned butt cheeks, others pale. An adventurous eating experience. Limited! Grab me a bag!
Organic Spaghetti Triangoletti
You can see through the packaging that this is the good stuff. Like the pizza chips, also a limited release. The noodles have the roughed-up look of bronze-cut pasta, which means sauce clings to it like a dream, and apparently it’s triangle-shaped. I couldn’t tell. Use for pasta al limone.
Italian Confetti Almonds
Classic Jordan almonds with a cheeky name: thin candy shell with a hint of almond flavor, yielding to roasted almonds inside. Absolutely getting a cavity for how many of them I’ve eaten in the process of writing these reviews. The crunch can’t be good for the ol’ canines, but I’m powerless against them.
Hot Honey Mustard Dressing
Trader Joe’s doesn’t always mean spicy when they say “spicy,” but this time they did. If you’re a person who puts hot sauce on their salads, this is for you. A little sweet, a little heat. The gloopy texture coats cucumber slices like a glaze. I plopped it on kale but also used it as a marinade for salmon. Dip for chicken nuggets. Lotta possibilities.
Sweet Ripe Plantains
A new staple to keep stocked in your freezer. The air-fry time was off—they needed more like 12–15 minutes than the recommended 6 because I wanted them to caramelize more. When they did, the texture was custardy perfection and the exterior sweetly browned. Salt: necessary. I like to load up plantains with black beans, cheese, and salsa for dinner, or riff on this Rick Martinez recipe and put them on a yogurt bowl for breakfast. Or toss them in a bowl with grated garlic and serve as a side with pan-fried fish or chicken, etc.
Tofu Sheets
Another must-stock staple. These tofu sheets, a.k.a. yuba, recently returned to shelves, and I’m so excited because I’ve been inspired to cook with them ever since seeing Christina Chaey’s Cold Sesame Yuba Noodles on her Substack, “Gentle Foods.” After defrosting them in the microwave or in the fridge overnight, they can be torn apart by hand to become noodles or left whole to fill, roll up, and fry. One night, I just sautéed them plain in oil to be a crispy topper for reheated salmon, and it was like the best crispy fish skin of my life. The flavor is mild like tofu, and versatile to do whatever the hell you want with.
Worth a One-Night Fling
Celebration Cake Mini Pretzels
It’s a candy-coated pretzel with sprinkles to celebrate the thrill of being alive. I’d be more thrilled if they’d only dipped half the pretzel in the vanilla frosting and sprinkles because salty-sweet is a superior snacking experience. These border on too sweet, but they’re still a great lunch dessert.
Chocolate Coffee Flavored Granola
Looks like dirt in a way that makes me want to add gummy worms and reminisce on my peak (preschool). The granola is heavy on hardened clusters, and the flavor evokes washing down a mini box of Cocoa Puffs with bad coffee at the hotel continental breakfast. Didn’t register a caffeine buzz other than my standard low-level anxiety humming in the background. The chocolate makes it feel like eating a midnight snack for breakfast, and that’s fun, isn’t it?
Pineapple Teriyaki Chicken Meatballs
Shriveled, pale, fleshy. My boyfriend wouldn’t touch them. I think his masculinity was either offended or suffocated in their presence, shrink-wrapped on the counter as if fresh from a dip in a cold lake. I cooked them in the air fryer in 4 minutes. If you close your eyes, they’re tasty—sweet with a soft bounce. Juicy too! I just wish they had a chile or some spice; pairing with chili crisp can help. (Also spotted a mysteriously similar version at Costco this weekend by Amylu, just FYI.)
Shrimp Scampi
This solved my Dinner Problem in 12 minutes and I wasn’t mad about it. The long list of ingredients for a dish that should be like, seven, gave me pause. But it tastes like Olive Garden, bursting with “butter flavor.” Pair with the great Organic Spaghetti Triangoletti noodles (above). It’s wild to see the shrimp come out of the bag, each coated in a thick white layer that will melt into sauce in the oven.
Passion Fruit Meringue Tartelettes
In awe that these stay in picture-perfect shape, especially after I manhandled them from car to freezer (thanks to a sturdy plastic packaging that’ll never leave this earth). To serve, defrost in the fridge a few hours before consuming. The barely torched meringue on top is the stuff of my Martha Stewart fantasies. The curd is tart and sweet; the cookie-tart crust serviceable but forgettable.
Vegetable Dumplings
Same as with the Shrimp Noodle Rolls, you’re instructed to fry these chive-filled dumplings for a crisp bottom, then steam them for a cooked filling. It’s a messy process, but it works. I didn’t love these as much because the filling was undersalted, but the Chinese garlic chives have a bright green flavor (not oniony like the chives in American herb aisles), so I felt like I got my nutrients in for the month.
Dark Chocolate Covered Caramels
Inside this dainty blue bag are some really sturdy caramels. Not too liquidy. The caramel stretches from your teeth like a well-told lie. The bitter bite of a dark chocolate balances the concentrated sugar. It’s a classy thing to put on the table after dinner.
Handheld Chicken Pot Pies
There’s an aftertaste of Fancy Feast but I still finished this handheld pot pie because the crust was pretty flaky and the filling was mostly gravy. I also might be part cat.
Calamansi & Mango Sorbet
Light and refreshing. If you have yet to meet calamansi, it’s a sour-tart citrus from the Philippines. The mango counters its acidity but there’s still a hint of bitterness, which we should welcome more into our desserts. I like the idea of serving this in sundae dishes with a crumbled shortbread or graham cracker and maybe a maraschino cherry on top.
Not Worth the Cash
Cheesy Bagels
No amount of pre-melted Asiago can make up for the blah-ness of these industrial wasteland bagels.
Macaron Ice Cream Sandwiches
Leave out for five minutes before eating? Okay, boss. The macarons were still hard and crumbly. After 37 minutes, I was eating the frothy chocolate ice cream filling as it squeezed out the sides, but those macarons weren’t budging.
Lemon Poppy Seed Buns
Dense, soggy pastry, as if it just washed ashore after being tossed off a cruise ship.
Tom Yum Seasoned Snack Mix
Intriguing idea, womp womp execution. Inspired by Thai tom yum soup, this mix of cashews, fried fava beans and peas, and crispy sticky rice is heavily seasoned that my tongue felt electrified. The acidity of lime juice powder overpowers everything.
Artichoke Bottoms
Wanted to love these big bottoms, but in the process of being a tasty fresh artichoke to a hollowed out camo-green lump in my freezer, the magic was lost. The artichoke bottoms have the look of a deflated tennis ball found in the yard and an off flavor.
Teensy Candy Bars
Honey-I-shrunk-the-candy-bars with milk chocolate and a caramel-ish nougat. The filing is chewy, grainy, and painfully sweet. If there was a peanut fleck in there, I didn’t detect it. The size is the equivalent of a Lego 6-block, but less painful to step on.
Organic Sri Lankan Curry & Seasoned Rice With Cashews
Spiced rice and a mild coconut milk curry that you heat up together, then top with chewy cashews that give a tender, meat-like bite. The downsides were that the rice was a little pebbly and the curry was bland. And you really need to supplement it with a protein or green onion topper. I wish they’d do a Sri Lankan curry packet like the Tikka Masala Sauce (one of my go-tos for easy meals) and amp up the spices and complexity.
Sugared Rice Cracker Stars
These are already petering off shelves, and I know why: nice crisp, boring flavor.
Bon Bon Cookies
Another one that bit the dust after mere weeks. A dry, lifeless cookie enrobed in a puddle of chocolate with a mousse-y ganache and crisp cacao on top. Had promise.
Seville Orange Marmalade
Sounds chic, but is supplemented with so much apple juice concentrate that it loses the bracing flavor marmalade is known for. Orange marmalade should taste like it appeared on a silver breakfast tray brought to your bed by a servant because you are Helena Bonham Carter playing Princess Margaret in The Crown. This doesn’t.